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Parenting in America: Five Pitfalls Last edited October, 2003, Last reviewed September 2007 If
parenting isn't the hardest job you have ever had, then you probably are not doing it
right. Raising children to the best of your ability is difficult,
rewarding, expensive, joyous, exhausting, amusing and constantly challenging.
In America, raising children who grow into happy, healthy, productive adults has
a special dimension because fortunately we still place a high value on
individual development and self-esteem. That focus on children as
individuals is a result of our unique American system of values, and it demands
extra attention on the part of parents. Individual liberty depends on each
new generation defending the values we hold dear. Unfortunately, today
there are arguably more American parents whose intentions are good but whose
skills are flawed or whose knowledge is inadequate. Instead of producing
happy, healthy adults ready to seek their own fortunes in America, they are
producing whiny, dependent, self-centered creatures that lack motivation, common
sense, and the skills to succeed in a production oriented society. What is
allegedly wrong? Each parent-child relationship must be considered
individually, of course, but there are some common pitfalls that can be
extracted from modern parent examples. Here we will examine five pitfalls
that can easily be discerned by the careful observer. Later, we will
discuss the potential fallout. The first
pitfall, discussed in depth elsewhere on this website, is the failure to change
parenting techniques to match the developmental evolution of the child.
This is most easily seen and understood in relation to discipline, but the
principle is valid in other areas too. When your child is born, your
entire life is centered on unconditional attention to your baby. The
slightest cry brings Mom or Dad running. Food, poop and naps are the basis
for the entire parent-child relationship. The majority of parents work
this phase correctly, even if some are needlessly over-protective. In this
phase, the baby should have unconditional attention in order to feel comfortable
that a communicative cry will bring relief to the particular bodily need of the
moment. As the baby turns into a toddler, though, the parents must learn
to change their approaches both for their own sanity and the maturation of the
child. The toddler will undoubtedly become demanding and learn the joy of
the word "no" in answer to parental requests. Parents must make
the transition from jumping at every cry to using calm techniques such as
distraction, anticipation of problems and reorganization of circumstances in
order to carry out their will and illustrate new means of communication.
Reasoning will not work with a toddler, nor will shouting be productive.
With each stage of child development, in fact, there are specific techniques and
forms of communication that parents must master in order to promote the
maturation of the child. This is true right up until adulthood. The crux
of the problem is that there is no flashing sign or other hint to indicate when
a new phase of development is reached. Instead, children gradually change
and parents must be observant enough to recognize each stage and knowledgeable
enough to respond to the change. Failure to do so often results in
children who direct the lives of their parents rather than the opposite.
This is so because parents continue to respond with unconditional attention as
their toddler tests them. If the toddler gets away with this behavior, he
learns that tantrums are the most efficient means of receiving attention, food,
toys, or whatever else he desires. This unhealthy interaction between
parent and child will also be transferred to other adults and other
circumstances. As the child matures, the unhealthy interaction only
becomes more sophisticated. If two generations ago many parents were guilty of
clamping down too hard too early, then today many parents are guilty of not ever
clamping down. Tailoring your parenting to the stages of development is a
difficult but necessary skill to master. The second
pitfall is the failure to produce consistency in communication, in
consequences and in circumstance. This problem is on two levels.
First, consistency in communication and consequences helps the child understand
that things are what they are and that Mom and Dad mean what they say.
Second, consistent or predictable circumstances help the child make meaning of
their place in the world. Inconsistent
communication creates opportunity for children to test and usually bend the will
of their parents. When "no" means "no way, ever" the
child understands that there is little point in arguing and therefore moves on
toward learning to deal with disappointment or with delayed satisfaction.
When "no" means "ask again and whine a little to get to yes"
then the child will test and test again until the desired outcome is found.
That is the essence of the "sandpaper effect" in which a child grinds
the parent down until the shape the child wants is achieved. All children
will test their parents for holes in their defense. Maintaining
consistency is the best way to minimize this behavior and maximize the growth
through this phase. A parent must set the rules for communication and for
consequences when the rules have been broken. Being utterly consistent in
this regard will provide a foundation for growth. For example, once a
"no" has been issued and understood by the child, the parent can
pursue with the child a conversation about the meaning of disappointment.
The "no" is inviolable, but the hurt feelings are open for discussion.
Similarly, the consequences for behavior—bad or good—must be consistent so
that the child can predict in advance what response his behavior will incur. Finally,
establishing consistent or predictable circumstances in which the child can
decipher his place in the world, in the family, or in other social situations is
critical toward establishing meaning and purpose in the child's existence.
If the child can predict probable outcomes based on past experience, he will be
more comfortable to explore, to communicate, and to expend energy in positive
ways. A simple thing such as the preparation for family meals during which
the child has an assigned task like setting the table is enough to make a
difference. In this example, the child is familiar with the routine, he
knows what is expected of him, and he can feel good about participating and
contributing to the family meal. Consistency is very difficult for parents
to establish day in and day out, but it is a critical piece of child rearing. The third
pitfall is the failure to follow through. Perhaps modern parents
promise too often, but when they make a promise or a threat, they must follow
through. If a child's behavior warrants a negative consequence, the child
should be able to predict that consequence as discussed above, and the child
should expect that the consequence would occur without fail. Similarly, if
a child is promised a reward for some behavior (a dangerous habit to promote in
itself), then the reward must come to pass. Incidentally, promises and
penalties are not appropriate for all ages or stages of development. We
are referring to post-toddler children in these examples. The failure to
follow through with negative consequences probably stems from the desire of
parents to be "friends" rather than parents. Nobody likes to be
the bad guy, but being a parent is about setting limits and illustrating by
example what happens when limits are crossed. Once a child realizes that
limits can be crossed without certain penalty, then all bets are off.
Responsibility is a foreign concept in the mind of a child who has been able to
avoid paying for past misdeeds. By the same token, making a promise of
reward for a task well done and then ignoring or withdrawing that reward is sure
to create a bitter child who perceives hard work as the quick path to
disappointment. Many times the reward appears insignificant to an adult,
but to the child it is the whole world. That brings us to the next
pitfall. The fourth
pitfall of modern American parenting is the failure to see circumstances from
the child's point of view. A child returns from school and mumbles
something about so-and-so on the playground ignoring the rules. The parent
is dismissive, tells the child to ignore so-and-so, and inquires about math
class. The playground behavior, in the grown-up scheme of things, probably
is unimportant. The parent would much rather understand how the child is
coming along with fractions in math class. However, to the child who is
witnessing this sort of playground behavior for the first time, it is very big
deal indeed. The parent would be wise to discuss the matter in depth,
including the validity of the playground rules, the proper response of the other
children to the incident, and the emotional meaning for their own child.
Very often the perspective of a parent is lost on the child who, after all,
doesn't have anywhere near the life experience of the parent. In this
pitfall, it is very easy to overlook small problems that will develop into large
concerns down the line or to offer advice that is not helpful for a child
lacking adult perspective. Parents need to learn to think again like a
child and see the world through their child's eyes. This helps to prevent
parents from missing subtle signals of distress and it allows parents further
opportunity to foster emotional and intellectual growth. In fact, many
"teachable moments" that could become opportunities to teach values
and value judgments depend on the parental ability to recognize difficult or
demanding circumstances as seen through a child's eyes. Social interaction
with peers on playgrounds and with teachers and other adults in school is very
often the catalyst for new understanding, provided the parent is insightful
enough to see what the child sees. Being able to tailor your advice and
council to the child's perception of the universe can make the difference
between your child's maturation or his feeling of hopelessness. The fifth
and final modern pitfall is in regard to the "buck stops here"
rule. In modern America, children interact with hordes of adult
specialists, including pediatricians, teachers, principals, school psychologists
and counselors, child-study team members, government agency caseworkers,
birthday party entertainers, portrait photographers, babysitters, day care
workers, religious organization staff, sports coaches, camp counselors, and who
knows who else. It is almost understandable how a parent today could feel
a lack of responsibility for his or her own child. If he can't read, it is
the teacher's fault. If he can't kick a ball or follow the game rules, it
is the soccer coach's fault. If he can't sit still for three minutes, the
portrait photographer or the child study team must be deficient. In
reality, it is the parent's fault. All of it. The parent chose to
conceive a child and the parent must take responsibility for all aspects of the
child's development. That requires a commitment to take control of your
child's life. The advice of teachers, pediatricians or psychologists
should be welcomed, but not swallowed whole without chewing. That may mean
requesting changes in class assignments or seeking a second medical opinion, or
it may mean choking down your own pride and admitting that you were wrong.
That is the requirement for success. Only the parent can rightly make
decisions for his or her child. Unless a parent is making irrational
decisions that result in physical harm to the child, those decisions must be
final. If it is uncomfortable to challenge specialists in education, or
medicine, or entertainment: so be it. The buck stops with the parent and
to relinquish that responsibility is to stop being a parent. *** Copyright 2003, rationalamerican.com *** To cite this article: Painter, John. Parenting In America: Five Pitfalls. (October 2003). Retrieved month x, 2xxx, from <http://rationalamerican.com/education> |
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